ARTHUR W. SPAULDING by Arthur W. Spaulding

Review and Herald Publishing Association · Takoma Park Station, Washington, D. C. · Nov 7, 1912

ARTHUR W. SPAULDING

By Arthur W. Spaulding

Come, Let Us Live With Our Children — No. 6

ARTHUR W. SPAULDING

Courtesy

Awkwardness springs from self-consciousness, boorishness from lack of culture, discourtesy from selfishness. All these faults can be avoided or corrected in the home. At all events, the worst of them can. It is more offensive to be boorish than to be awkward, less excusable to be selfish than to be boorish. Our children must be taught to be unselfish, and I know of no way to teach them except by being unselfish ourselves. It accomplishes nothing to point the finger of shame at a little girl who refuses to share her candy, except to make her resolve to eat it in secret hereafter. The cry “Piggy” at a boy has for its chief recommendation the making of a young cynic. Nor can mere directions of how to act in this place or on that occasion, give the charm of heartfelt courtesy. Courtesy, like flowers, can not be made out of paper nor rebuked into being from burs.

The foundation to be laid is the sense of joy at making others happy. Teach the children so that they will plan for the comfort and pleasure of others. This can not be done while depriving the child himself of pleasure. The child is a little animal that must be appealed to first through his senses, and afterward taught the higher pleasures that come through self-denial and giving. Give first to him, and out of his abundance he may be taught to give to others.

For the teaching of unselfishness this giving must be of no common kind. It appeals little to the child that his parents furnish him food, clothing, and home. These are the commonplace things of life to him, which, for all his experience has taught him, come naturally and without effort as his due. He can not easily conceive of his not having them; therefore their gift from father or mother, however emphasized by words, gives him no real knowledge of his parents’ effort or sacrifice for him. But something out of the ordinary, which may cost far less, will give that sense. A donkey ride, or a home-made jumping-jack, or a Christmas tree will make him realize without being told that some one has planned and worked to give him pleasure, and his full tide of joy may be turned, then or later, into the channel of giving some one else pleasure. Without burdening him too much with a sense of obligation, (“You would be selfish, when mama has worked so hard for you, not to give little sister something!”) but simply drawing upon the inherent love of sharing an abundance, he may be led into the habit of planning for others. The love of mystery and surprise, the love of making something, the natural love of brother for brother and friend for friend, can be requisitioned to help in making him unselfish. Then in your story-telling often use stories of sacrifice and helpfulness.

Children who learn courtesy are children to whom courtesy has been shown. Don’t forget to say “Please” and “Thank you” to a child from whom a service is asked or received. Defer to a child’s talk, and don’t interrupt him or ignore him if it can be helped. Pass behind him instead of between him and the fire. Ask him to excuse you for a mistake and forgive you for a wrong. These points of etiquette will be his models, and a gentle reminder when he forgets will recall him to his family’s standards. And while his courtesy is to be shown toward his own companions, he is to be taught by precept special consideration for his elders and the aged. In this your own custom will be marked; your child will know whether you are especially courteous to his gray-haired grandmother and to the old people of the neighborhood.

The table is an important place to teach courtesy. There are some people that I know—Christians—who despise as affectation the niceties of table usage.

But it has no little bearing, not merely upon one’s standing in society, but upon Christian demeanor and influence in the world, whether the child chews with closed or unclosed lips, whether or not he asks to be excused if he must leave the table, whether he knows the use of a napkin, and whether or not he can find time between his mouthfuls for conversation. The table should be made a pleasant place, with simple but tasteful arrangement. Flowers have a wonderful influence in making it seem more like heaven, and in enabling us to follow the injunction to receive our daily bread as a sacrament. Every member of the family should be prompt in his place at the beginning of the meal, and wait till all are ready to be seated together. The mother and father, besides teaching the science and art of proper eating, must exert themselves to make the meal-time pleasant and profitable in conversation which the children can understand and join. If this is done, and the table made a pleasant place, it will be less difficult to hold the members together until all are ready to rise.

There is no disputing that it is necessary to teach much by precept if our children are to learn the proper forms of social intercourse, and above that, of unselfish courtesy. But personal practises must reenforce precept, or precept is valueless. Out of a loving heart let parents show courtesy to their children, and not only expect, but require from their children courtesy toward themselves and others.