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Dead Alive

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Seventh-day Adventist Publishing Association · Battle Creek, Mich. · Nov 3, 1874

FromReview and Herald, Vol. 44, No. 19.

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Dead Alive.

By Trash

About fifteen years ago, we gave a lecture on the South Shore, Mass., in which we aimed to show, that, as the common use of tobacco diminished appetite, diminished blood, muscle, health and strength, it must inevitably abridge life, and if so, the habit amounted to suicide in the constructive sense; hence it was a violation of the sixth commandment, which says, “Thou shalt not kill;” and HENCE A SIN.
As we closed, a clergyman rose and observed: “I believe the argument in this lecture conclusive; I believe thousands of tobacco-users are poisoned to death, and are chargeable with cutting short their lives.”
“But I have a difficult case to solve, and I wish the lecturer to solve it. I know a man, within ten miles of this place, who smoked his pipe till the day of his death; and he lived to be ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR YEARS OF AGE!”
We confess, we were puzzled; the question was much to the point, and the audience laughed at our expense. At last, we hit upon the Socratic style of argument, and interrogations helped us out of a dilemma, where grave argument had been of little or no avail. “Sir,” we inquired, “are you sure the old man lived and smoked till he was a hundred and four?” “Yes,” he replied. “How did he look?” “He looked like an Egyptian mummy.” “Had he moral sensibilities?” “Oh, no; he appeared to have no sense of God or religion whatever.” “Did he manifest any public spirit; did he like good schools, good roads, good order, and the like?” “Oh, no; no more than a mud-turtle or oyster.” “Had he a family?” “Yes, a large one, and a mean one,—altogether too large.” “Did he love his family?” “No; I think not.” “Did he hate his family?” “No; I think not.” “All, in a word,—did he love anybody, or hate anybody, dead or alive, in this world or in any world?” “No; I think not.” “Well, well, brother; the conclusion of the whole matter is simply this,—the old man was dead fifty years ago, only you did not bury him!”—Trash.