SOCIETY by Mary Wood-Allen

Pacific Press Publishing Company · Oakland, California · Apr 29, 1903

FromSigns of the Times, Vol. 29, No. 17.

SOCIETY

By Mary Wood-Allen

BY MARY WOOD-ALLEN, M. D.

Courtship.

Courtship primarily means courtesies rendered with the object of gaining favors. Secondarily it means the time when two young people pay each other especial attention previous to a declaration of love, more particularly a man's wooing of the one whom he admires and desires to win as a wife.

Courting then means being polite or courteous with the hope of obtaining something greatly desired. This being the case it is not surprising that during courtship the young people display their best manners, their most admirable qualities, and, without intending to be deceptive, or even realizing that they are, they may convey very erroneous impressions concerning themselves, more particularly if there has been no previous acquaintance.

A frank friendliness is very desirable as a prelude to a courtship. But even with the knowledge of each other which comes through such a friendship, there is need of a more perfect acquaintance if these two are to enter into the closer relation of marriage.

It does not matter in a mere friendship whether two people are absolutely sympathetic in their tastes and feelings, but it does matter in marriage. Two friends may be quite dissimilar in their likes and dislikes and rather enjoy the occasional arguments which may arise from this dissimilarity; but arguments and discussions in the daily life of two people who can not get away from each other with a feeling of perfect freedom to do as each pleases, are not conducive to happiness. It will do to “sharpen the countenance of a friend,” but not of a husband or wife.

It does not matter if the tastes of two people as regards reading are not sympathetic, if they read always apart from each other and ask nothing in the way of mutual appreciation. But when a man and woman sit at the same fireside the whole year through, and one goes to sleep while the other is reading Emerson or Browning aloud; or exclaims disgustedly, “Bosh,” when called upon to admire the writings of some noted author, there must result an intellectual alienation which will grow with time.

In a friendship it does not matter if one delights in the drama and the other never frequents the theater, but if the husband desires to go to the play and the wife has conscientious scruples against it, there comes a separation in the times of recreation which creates a breach between them in the hours when they should be happiest. It does not matter if one of two friends enjoys a symphony concert, and the other has no musical taste or delights only in “rag time” melodies; but such a difference of tastes in the home will be a drawback to the fullest happiness.

There may be much enjoyment in a friendship of intellect only when spiritual aspirations are not sympathetic, but this can not be so truly said of marriage. “Be ye not unequally yoked together.” No yoking together is so unequal as where one is a devout Christian and the other a skeptic or infidel. No home can be ideal where there is not harmony in belief and aspiration. It does not matter so greatly if the differences are only in denomination if the fundamentals of belief are harmonious; but the unity of home-life is destroyed if the beliefs of husband and wife are antagonistic. There can not be perfect identity of life, of unity, of feeling, between Catholic and Protestant, Evangelical and Unitarian, Sabbath-keeper and Sunday-keeper, Christian and unbeliever.

But why not let each go his own way, allowing the other perfect freedom in belief? You can do that in a friendship, but marriage is more than friendship. It must—to be a true marriage—be founded on congeniality of tastes, harmony of beliefs, sympathy in aspirations, identity of interests, community of purpose. Even if the two remain alone in their family life these things are necessary to a perfect union, but if children come into the home the imperativeness of these factors becomes greater. In order that children may develop harmoniously there must be absolute sympathy between the parents. Division even of sentiment is fatal to the most perfect home influence.

This time of courtship, then, is the time when the two should learn each other's true selves. There should be no hiding, no putting on. There should be a frank interchange of opinions on all vital topics, not arguments or discussions with the intention of converting each other, but an honest expression with the desire to know each other.

Instead of indulging in sentimentalities and coquetries they should converse together, read together, pray together if possible, and so come into the understanding of each other which will make it possible to form somewhat of a correct judgment as to the possibility of their living harmoniously in the closer relation of husband and wife.

There are many topics of thought, many fields of investigation, many problems of vital interest to humanity which they might discuss with interest and profit, and the truest courtesy of a courtship is to be entirely frank in the expression of beliefs and opinions. Nothing but future unhappiness can possibly be gained by withholding a knowledge of one's true self in courtship.

Among the subjects to be considered before the final decision, is the question of personal harmony. Each individual carries about with him a personal atmosphere, which, altho invisible and intangible, makes itself felt by all who come within its reach. This personal atmosphere may be very agreeable, or quite the contrary. It seems to depend upon physical conditions, rather than intellectual or moral states. Two people may be very congenial intellectually and yet their personal atmosphere be very antagonistic. Or they may have similar spiritual aspirations, but find that in each other's society they are not able to manifest them in actuality. Harmony of personal atmosphere is absolutely indispensable to a happy marriage.

A young lady once wrote me that she was engaged to a man whom she greatly respected and admired, and when he was not with her she thought she loved him, but she could not bear to have him approach her, and she asked what she should do. Would not this physical antagonism be apt to vanish after marriage?

From my observation of such cases I could not advise her to enter into life-companionship with one who already had an unpleasant influence upon her. If two people are the greatest of friends intellectually or spiritually, if their bodily presence seems to weary or irritate one or the other, it would be the part of wisdom to keep their association wholly on the friendly basis, retaining the right and power to avoid too frequent meetings. If such physical antagonism is discovered after marriage the only remedy is to recognize it, and, with loving consideration, avoid the too constant and too near association which usually maintains, and so avoid the causes of irritation. No doubt much marital unhappiness, or even divorce might be avoided if this matter were understood and due allowance made for a condition which does not depend upon affection, and which can not be changed by will-power.