Sensitiveness or Selfishness?
By Ella Wheeler Wilcox
LONG ago some one suggested an important truth in remarking that sensitiveness was only one form of aggressive self-love—or words to that effect. Yet we often hear people refer to their own “sensitive natures” as if they were speaking of a great virtue. There is, of course, a sensitiveness which means a refined appreciation of the beautiful things in life. To be stirred by the charms of nature, to respond to the vibrations of sunlight, and winds, and songs of birds, to feel the intensity of the full moon’s rays, to hear the wonderful message of the Silence, and to be conscious of the companionship of Space—this—this is to be “sensitive” in the best sense. But the majority of people who use that word attach an entirely different meaning to it. The very weakest and silliest forms of self-conceit and selfishness are called “sensitiveness,” as well as the most wearing and ignoble phase of jealousy. I have seen a young woman who was all life and mirth and sociability, transformed into a sullen, silent monument of “sensitiveness” by the advent of other young women into her circle—others who were kind, agreeable, and companionable, but for whom she felt a selfish and jealous resentment because they interfered with her supremacy. She did not for one instant acknowledge the unpleasant truth to herself. She believed she was really giving the right of way to others, and proving her own “sensitiveness” by keeping in the background. On the contrary, she made herself painfully conspicuous by her altered demeanor and her silence, and destroyed the comfort of all who came near her. I have seen a “sensitive” husband render home unbearable because his wife enjoyed the visit of a relative or a school-girl companion. And I have seen a wife equally “sensitive” because her husband was courteous to other women or to his own family. No husband who is thoughtless or negligent of his wife’s feelings and happiness, and no tactless, indifferent wife, need quote these remarks to justify unkind conduct. There are men and women who forget that love between husband and wife should be like the flame in some holy temple, which is never allowed to go out. There are men who bestow all their courtesy on the outside world, and women who bestow all their affection on their relatives, leaving the husband lonely and neglected. It is natural that the partners of such men and women should be really “sensitive” to their sorrows; but the fact remains that most of the sensitiveness we hear about comes from self-love, selfishness, jealousy, and a tendency to petty tyranny. It is amazing and amusing to think of the number of people in the world who are miracles of selfishness, yet who really believe themselves to possess most unselfish natures. Unselfishness does not consist in merely doing one’s duty in a material way toward a loved one; it consists in being reasonable, considerate, and unselfish as well. I have seen a mother work like a servant for her children, and deny herself physical comforts to give them luxuries, yet at the same time mar their pleasure and humiliate their pride by her jealousy of their friends, and the continual obtrusiveness of what she called “sensitive nature.” This is not the unselfishness which makes home life beautiful. It is the sensitiveness that means self-love.—Ella Wheeler Wilcox.