My Experience by H. A. St. John

Seventh-day Adventist Publishing Association · Battle Creek, Mich. · May 20, 1873

My Experience.

By H. A. St. John

If I mistake not, it was in the year 1858 that I accepted present truth, at the age of seventeen. I had never made any profession of religion previous to that time. The truths of the third message looked clear and convincing to me, and I accepted them because they were so; and made an effort to bring my life into harmony therewith. I was soon chosen a deacon of the church, and, after a few years, a local elder, which responsible position I have held up to the present time. For two years, I held a license to preach present truth, and in the autumn of 1872, I received ordination to the gospel ministry. This is a brief statement of my formal relation to the cause of God under the third angel’s message.

Now it becomes my painful duty, as I sincerely believe, very briefly to relate my internal experience for the same period of time. Especially for the past two months or more, my mind has been much exercised upon the subject of genuine conversion; and I am now strongly of the opinion that I was never truly converted. For a period of fifteen years I have had a connection with God’s remnant people, and yet my heart was never fully renewed by the grace of God! It is humiliating to make this public confession, but I solemnly believe that there is but one way for me to get into the light, and that is by confession. And I now feel a disposition of soul to do anything, however humiliating it may be, if I can only secure the heavenly assurance that Jesus has pardoned all my sins.

To say that I have had none of the Spirit of God in the past, would not be true. But because the Lord granted me a small measure of his Spirit, is no evidence that I was right. I feel that this will satisfy me no longer. I believe with all my heart that it is my privilege, yea, more, my blessed duty to come to the well of salvation and drink rich draughts therefrom.

In the main, the theory of the truth has held me so long. I have loved it because it was beautiful and harmonious. I have tried to serve God from principle alone, and have many times contented myself with the thought that this was walking by faith. Yet all along there have been times when I have deeply felt that there was one thing needful that I greatly lacked. At such times I have sought a nearness to God; but did not agonize, did not persevere, and consequently I very soon became self-satisfied, and I may say self-deceived. I did not feel myself a very great sinner, and was therefore contented, yes, perfectly contented, with but occasionally a taste from the streams of salvation, instead of coming to the fountain and drinking freely.

Herein, I plainly perceive, is the great cause of my many failures, and little success. Without the love of God shed abroad in the heart, I have been almost powerless to do good. Resolutions, like straws, were easily broken. I would resolve and re-resolve to be more faithful, more consecrated to God, but with the same result. In the strength that Jesus imparts, I have been sadly deficient.

As an elder, I have had but little burden for the spiritual welfare of the flock. I have not had the spirit to patiently reprove, warn, instruct and lead. I have been self-caring and very selfish, with a fair show of humility on the outside. I have been vacillating in purpose, and my faith in God has been very weak. Oh! could I but recall those years of wasted time! But I cannot. They are gone, nevermore to return.

But in preaching the glorious present truth, how I have leaned upon my own strength! How aimless have been my feeble efforts to do good! How I have lacked in pure, disinterested love, which must be the mainspring of every successful effort. How could I lead others to Christ unless I had first been to him myself? How could I recommend the blessed Jesus, unless I had experienced in my own heart the sweets of his pardoning love? It is true I often asked to be forgiven, but oh! the formality of these many prayers! I was faithless. How little did I realize my lost and wretched condition without Christ. All these long years Jesus has stood with outstretched arms, waiting to receive me, but I have been content to remain far away. Oh! how could I thus grieve the tender Spirit of God! How could I treat the precious Redeemer with such cold indifference! But I feel that I can stay away no longer. The heart’s intense anxiety now is, Will he receive me? He is full of compassion, perhaps he will hear my earnest plea. Faith strengthens. I feel a spark kindling in my bosom. Tears dim my eyes while I write. Saviour, Saviour, dear Saviour, have mercy on me. Come into my heart, blessed Jesus, and sup with me. Take me as I am, poor, miserable, blind and naked. Take me and make me wholly thine. Helpless, I cast myself on thee. I am willing to become anything or nothing if I may but call Jesus mine. I will do anything, or go anywhere, if I can only have the assurance that Jesus is with me.

At times, for the past two months, my mind has been greatly distressed. Bro. White’s appeal found an answering chord in my heart. How I longed for the same blessing that he had found. For awhile, I panted for a free and full salvation. And then again a feeling of astonishing indifference would settle upon me. Contrary to the convictions of my own judgment, my feelings would be that I was in a very good condition—that if I only went on just as I had been going it would be all right with me in the end,—that I had lived a tolerably correct life, and had no cause for alarm. Thus would I feel for hours, and sometimes even for days, with but little change. Here, behold the power of the enemy. With many cords has he bound me. Enchanted ground, oh, how dangerous! Jesus alone can break the enemy’s cruel bands asunder and let the oppressed go free.

For a few days I have been struggling for freedom in the Lord. Conviction has rested upon me that I ought to make this confession through the REVIEW. My heart pants after God. When shall I come and appear before God? Oh! shall I ever be satisfied again short of entire consecration to God? My heart cries out for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Jesus is soon coming. The last notes of mercy are being heard in the land. The earth is fast ripening for its final doom. I must not stay away from Jesus; he is the only secure retreat from the coming storm.

“I need thee, precious Jesus; I need thee day by day, To fill me with thy fulness, And lead me on my way; I need thy Holy Spirit To teach me what I am, To show me more of Jesus, To point me to the Lamb.”

H. A. St. JOHN.

Hillsboro, Ohio, March 12, 1873.