TO ASPIRANTS FOR THE STATE SECRETARYSHIP.
By Ex-Secretary
It may be interesting to those who are hoping, at no distant day, to occupy the honorable position of State secretary of the T. and M. Society, to understand some of the necessary qualifications for the office, also the several duties which they will be expected to perform. In the first place, you will no doubt desire to attend some good commercial college, one term at least. Be this as it may, the necessities of the case actually demand several years’ attendance at the guessing school. Then you should be able not only to read the living and dead languages, but also to interpret ancient and modern hieroglyphics. In your correspondence examples will be of frequent occurrence of words commencing le, be, ca, etc., and terminating in a serpentine line resembling the meandering course of the Rio de la Plata. A few years since repairs were going on at the New York Tribune office. It became necessary to close, for a time, the usual entrance door from the street. On this was posted a placard announcing, “Entrance on A street.” This the many passers by rendered, “Editors on a spree.” In defiance of all rules of interpretation, you will be liable to make as great mistakes, unless especially adapted, by nature and practice, to this branch of the work. You will be expected to understand at a glance how to execute orders like the following: “Please send one copy of the SIGNS now taken in the club by our church, to Lucy Larcom,” etc. Writer’s name and place of residence not given. “Inclosed please find $5.00. Fifty cents for Jennie June’s INSTRUCTOR, two dollars for my REVIEW, and two dollars, one-half for George Elliot.” Deciding how the last-mentioned sum is to be applied, with all similar matters, will determine the degree of proficiency attained in the above-mentioned guessing school. “Please send the SIGNS to John Johnson, Mount Vernon”—no State. The postal guide records only twenty places by this name, and you can select whichever you think most probable. “My father’s cousin has seen our paper, and is much interested in some points of doctrine therein advocated. Inclosed you will find $1.25. Please send the paper six months, also such tracts as you think best.” It would be very convenient to know upon which subject the interest was manifested, which paper was wanted, and whether the person alluded to was Rutherford B. Hayes or Bridget Dougherty; but the solving of all such problems comes within the province of the State secretary. You will be expected to be versed not only in whatever the geography and dictionary contain, but in most, if not all, that has transpired since they were compiled. The time was when a race of men inhabited this western world who said what they meant, and meant what they said. We remember our grandparents’ copy books, in which the even and delicately-shaded lines could be as easily read as the printed page. There was method, too, in all their business transactions, though they never studied rhetoric or geometry. But the old-time fogyism has passed away. “Young America” is educated, and every way worthy the cognomen “fast.” “The coming man” stands in his office door in Boston, ready to step into his balloon, intending to dine at San Francisco, Cal. On the way he telephones to his partner that he will be around to attend to business this evening at 7 o’clock. Time is precious. There is none to spend in thought only for those delegated to attend to such minor affairs. Hence, thinking, like Artemas Ward’s reorganizing, is “let out by the piece,” and Darwin, Huxley and Co., have taken the larger portion, excepting such matters as State secretaries are expected to attend to. If these suggestions are not sufficiently explicit, further information will be given after the applicant has perfected his knowledge upon all points herein mentioned. Ex-SECRETARY.