Seeking Purity of Heart
By M. Bean
Bro. Smith: I would write a little on past experience, hoping it will do no harm. I am now seeking to get just right before the Lord, feeling that to delay is dangerous. I long to be made pure in heart. I once enjoyed what I call the blessing of loving God with all the heart; every root of evil entirely eradicated; and having no self-will or way. This blessing was as much greater than my previous enjoyment, as the light of the sun is greater than the light of the moon. But through ignorance, young in years and in experience, I lost the witness of the Spirit, and went through deep trials for months. The waves of temptation often ran mountain high over me, and like Jonah, I went to the bottom; though often God brought me up and I saw his smiling face. Since that time I have often been permitted to enjoy much of the presence of God, and many times felt that my heart was pure, at least I felt nothing to the contrary. Years past on, and just before I heard the first message, my soul was longing to be fed. When I heard that Jesus was soon coming, I loved it, and strove as others did to get ready; and as the time past and our hope was deferred, I still believed the work was of God. I left the church, and received a great blessing in so doing. In 1849, the Lord showed me in spirit, before being enlightened by hearing from any one, a great blessing for those who would embrace the truth, and keep God's holy Sabbath. My letter in the Review in 1857 tells a small part of my trials and deliverance, after six years bondage. Suffice it to say, after my deliverance I was so blessed of the Lord I had not much else to do but to praise him night and day for his great mercy to me, and for the blessed truth which I had seen. Now I had embraced and did enjoy it in my soul. I was all wonder, love and praise, for a number of months. At length I began to feel a lack in my soul; felt I was called upon to open the door of my heart and let the Saviour in. I have looked, and longed, and prayed, and at times been much encouraged but not satisfied. I know that I am not yet a Bible christian, though I love God, and feel that I am his child. I know he hears me pray and often blesses my poor soul; and I feel in a great measure to put my trust in God, yet after all I am lacking, and am quite dissatisfied with my state. I do feel that I must have victory over self, be crucified to the world and the world to me. I ardently long to have every power and faculty of my soul given to God. Without holiness no man shall see God. He has said, "Be ye holy for I am holy." And for our encouragement he has said if we confess and forsake our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive, and cleanse from all unrighteousness. He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. I do feel in my soul that we are being brought to a point where it is life or death with us; and my heart has been melted down of late and I felt humble before the Lord, when I thought he had waited so long for me to get ready, and was still waiting to be gracious to me. I feel now there is no drawing back; we must come up to our high privilege, take God at his word, grieve him no more with our unbelief. When the saints get on the whole armor, stand side to side and shoulder to shoulder, they will be fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners. It is then we can stand in the evil day, and having done all, we shall stand. Brethren pray, that I with you may overcome. Yours hoping to go through. Brookfield, Vt., Dec. 5th, 1858.