CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE by M. E. Steward

Publishing Committee · Battle Creek, Mich. · Jul 31, 1860

CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE

By M. E. Steward

BY M. E. STEWARD.

Bro. Smith: If I mistake not there was a request made some time since for experiences on the subject of holiness. I think they might be productive of much good in forwarding the loud cry of the third angel's message. I sincerely wish that there might be a new feature given to the Review in the form of these experiences and that if it were God's will, he might move brethren and sisters who enjoy perfect love to step right forward with their offerings, trusting in Jesus and acting with an eye single to his will and glory.

My attention was called particularly to this subject after a conversation I had with Bro. Ingraham at the Mackford conference. I wish to relate to him my progress since that time, and thinking my experience might possibly help some struggling one, I send it to you.

In 1848, when thirteen years of age, I united by baptism and laying on of hands with the Seventh-day Baptist church in Scott, Cortland Co., N. Y. I was excited (it was during a great revival), but not converted. I was deceived in supposing myself a Christian. For years following I attended from a sense of duty to all the outward forms of religion, but destitute of the sweet principle of love in the heart. How many at the present day are self-deceived.

In 1853, while teaching in Portage City, I began to realize that I was not just right. I was aware of it all the time; for I felt that I was not prepared to die. Here I felt ashamed of God's holy Sabbath, ashamed too, of being so odd as to keep it alone, which I knew was wrong. About this time I first heard of the Advent people. The very mention of them aroused and alarmed me. I knew I was not prepared for the coming of Jesus. At length I met with Doddridge's Rise and Progress of Religion in the Soul. This book showed me my standing, that I was not a child of God.

It was now spring. All summer I struggled in the deepest darkness and anguish of soul, careful for nothing but to secure salvation, continually seeking for more feeling when I already had about all my system could endure. I went to nearly all of whom I could hear who ever knew anything about religion, to learn from their experience how to work out my way to God. All told me to give myself to Jesus, but none told me how to do so. I wanted to be entirely the Lord's. I tried, and struggled, and agonized to throw myself into his arms by a mighty effort; but oh how vainly. Sometimes after long and earnest efforts it would seem as though the room was full of evil spirits; but God in mercy preserved my reason. I sat up late and rose early, and bent all my energies to this one absorbing theme, but could get no nearer to God. I now see that I did not strive lawfully, that is in God's appointed way, and hence did not obtain. Six or seven months of struggling are not necessary to our salvation, but I did not understand the way then, and could find no one to teach me. Thank God the way of life and salvation was made plain to me afterwards.

That was a sickly season at Portage. People were dying all around me; but my Father watched over me. My health was preserved till fall; then when brought to the verge of the grave how perfectly real seemed eternity, and earth how dream-like as it faded away in the distance; I could only ask God to spare me long enough to become his and I could die without a murmur. Oh a sick bed is a hard place on which to prepare for eternity. Pain of body is enough without anguish of soul. Should any one read this who is not prepared to see Jesus, do be admonished by one who has felt something of these things to seek the Lord now while the body is strong and the mind clear, that when sickness lays you low you may be prepared to hear it calmly, sweetly resting in the arms of Jehovah which always sustain his trusting ones. "Now is the day of salvation." It may be not even a sick bed repentance will be granted you. How many fall in apparent health. What would become of your repentance then? Don't rest on a hope like this. Would you so dishonor God as to offer yourself to him after having given the energies of your being to the service of Satan? Be not deceived. God is not mocked (I do not refer to any already under the power of disease).

God heard my prayer and gave me health again. Soon after recovering I had the privilege of listening to a course of lectures on present truth, delivered in Milton, Wis., by elders Stephenson (who was then in the third message) and Steward. I immediately embraced it, and some light was shed on the plan of salvation. The spring following I united my earthly interests with that of the last named individual. For four years I traveled with him most of the time, but there was still something wanting in my heart. It was not fully submitted to God. I could feel this when my husband was called to leave me. This was my one great trial. I know how to sympathize with dear sisters placed in like circumstances, who feel their lot in life is a hard one, and would so willingly exchange places with some of God's children who are called to less sacrifice than they. But bless the name of our God, he has opened for me a way of escape from this severe trial. Oh that precious sisters may come and find the same. A year ago last full submission became the great burden of my prayer. I asked God to give me submission. He gave me the burden and I expected the direct answer to my pleading from him, but he was awakening my soul as it were to learn submission in truth. The following winter I was called among brethren and sisters who enjoyed the life and power of religion. Of them I learned as did Paul of Aquila and Priscilla the way of life more perfectly. I learned that submission was entirely my own work, depending solely on my own will. This was the point at which I aimed while in Portage City; but the way was all dark there. Not one ray of light rested on the true plan of salvation to me then. I stumbled where multitudes do; desirous to be the Lord's, wholly his, but feeling I was not his because I could not realize that he accepted me. The first stumbling stone the enemy seems to present is in the completeness of the consecration. He tells us when we submit all we see that there may be something behind that we do not see, and hence, are not perhaps making a full submission. Were this the case that we must give all absolutely and must distinctly see all, how could we know that our consecration was ever complete, that our part was ever performed? We could never; and hence could never trust that God receives and cleanses us, which he has promised to do when we submit all. Should this point stumble the reader let him ask himself, Am I not willing to let the Lord have all I see, and if there is anything I don't see let him take that too? We know when we reserve anything to ourselves. Having given all let us know we have done so and not be afraid to say we know it then, having determined to do all God's will as far as in us lies, we may take it for granted that his servants we are to whom we yield ourselves servants to obey, God making us so the moment we yield all to him, determining to do his will henceforth.

I came to this point, knew I gave all, still could not believe the Lord accepted me. At length the thought came, give your unbelief to God. I did so and was the Lord's. I felt it, God giving the witness of his Spirit to make me feel it. But we walk by faith and hence must go out trusting by faith, not expecting to be taken along to, and in the way of holiness by feeling. All God requires is all the heart. "Son give me thy heart." "Come out (from the world) and be ye separate—and I will receive you." Don't let us lift and struggle to throw ourselves into God's possession, but lie still and let him take us just where we are. If unbelief weighs you down be admonished to lay it aside as you would "lay aside every weight." Lay it on God. No one else can take care of it and we can only get rid of it there.

The next step was to claim God's promise to cleanse my heart from all unrighteousness. Here I stumbled again over faith, looking for feeling to show me I was holy, before I could believe it. Oh how that promise looked to me; exceedingly precious, but just beyond my grasp, so that I could not quite reach it. It seemed as though I could believe almost anything easier than that my heart was cleansed, the work looked so mighty to me. At times it was different, and I seemed to get hold of faith that I received the promise; but if I did, I did not know how to live by faith so as to retain it.

Last summer after returning home, I cast away my confidence, was neglectful of secret duties in a degree and lost the evidence of my acceptance with the Lord. Well, this winter I again left home. Our first meeting was with the brethren near Portage City. The Lord was there to bless, but I did not feel at home. I wanted to get out one side; for I knew I did not enjoy what the rest did; but praise God I soon began to lay hold by faith upon his word, and felt free. God performed his promises to me, but I had not yet learned to live by faith. I mistook temptation for sin. Every passing thought or feeling that was wrong would throw me into darkness, make me doubt the work God had done in my heart and bring me under the power of Satan; and then I would have to struggle out again by laying hold of the promises just as I had done before.

In this way things went on till the Mackford conference. There I opened my heart to some dear sisters who had lived very near to God for some time and enjoyed his daily favor. They led me to distinguish temptation from sin, and thus I was brought into the position where my faith indeed became like an anchor, and I could live to God without falling so frequently. I now see that the enemy has the power to present evil to us in a way to sometimes affect our feelings, but the sin consists in yielding to it. Temptation comes equally to a sanctified and an unsanctified heart. Jesus was tempted, yet he was without sin. Doubtless the Devil made the kingdoms of the world and the glory of them appear pleasing to Jesus, and he may make the world with its vanities and pleasures pass before us in the same light. How instantly Jesus drove away the temptation. Just so must we do; otherwise we sin in cherishing and pondering over and yielding to temptation. Our natural susceptibilities all remain. We still have the power to love, hate, &c. We love holiness, hate sin, &c. Now the enemy may present things so as to move these propensities for a moment out of their proper channel. Thus a feeling of anger may swell up as though coming directly from our hearts; but if we put it down instantly it is not sin. The Devil has been presented to me on such occasions going from my heart, and I know the passing feeling to be his work. Glory be to God, Satan cannot force us to yield our wills and thus sin against God. But suppose we do sin as a holy person is liable to fall under temptation (yet not necessarily except he lets go his faith, and is not fully submitted), shall we then conclude that our hearts have never been cleansed? Let us look at the case of Peter. John xiii: Says Jesus, "Ye are clean, but not all." Did he mean physically because he had washed their feet? No, he had not washed all their feet; but [verse 11] "he knew who should betray him, therefore said he ye are not all clean." Judas had an unsanctified heart, so they were not all clean. In Matt. xv, 19, 20 the Saviour tells us what it is that defiles the man, i. e. the fruits of a carnal heart. Now turn to Luke xxii, 31–35. Here after partaking of the last supper, and hence after Jesus had told them they were clean, he says to Peter, "Simon, Simon, behold Satan hath desired to have you that he may sift you as wheat, but I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not, and when thou art converted strengthen thy brethren." What, converted when he was already clean? Yes, if he sinned he would need to be converted and cleansed from that sin. What sin did Jesus mean? Hear him when Peter seems to think it impossible for him to sin so, and exclaims, "I am ready to go with thee both into prison and to death" (just as we do when our hearts are clean). Hear Jesus: "I tell thee Peter the cock shall not crow this day before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me." This was the sin from which Peter would have to be converted. He was saved from it as Jesus saw he would be. Now says John, [1 John ii, 1,] "I write unto you that ye sin not;" (he had just been writing of being cleansed from sin), but he adds, "if any man sin (even after being cleansed) we have an advocate with the Father." Thus we can immediately look up, ask God to forgive and cleanse us and press on as before; otherwise we cast away our confidence and thereby lose ground. Oh it is a great thing to know how to live by faith. It is a lesson that will not be fully learned till faith is lost in sight. Thank God that when we walk by faith we can progress steadily whether we walk in light or in darkness. The enemy has the power to press dense darkness upon us, and much of the time it seems as though I can witness what sister White saw about the good and evil angels, and their works of light and darkness. It looks like thick darkness from the horizon all the way to the zenith, but there is almost always an open space, and there I hold communion with God while my faith passes through to that within the vail, and there I am held securely.

We may know generally whether our darkness be that of temptation or condemnation. If it be the latter we cannot look up to God and with confidence ask him to bless us just now; while if it be the former we can rely on the strong arm of God, and with love and confidence let him work out deliverance for us. Such at least is my experience.

One word about trusting by faith. Since the enemy has the power to bring evil into our hearts how can we know by looking into them, after seeking sanctification, whether we have received it or not? We cannot. There is but one way in which we can obtain it, and that is by faith in God's word. We know, or may know whether we have performed our part, given ourselves with all that pertains to us, seen and unseen (and God never asks more, for he never requires an impossibility of us). This we can do at once and are then on promised ground. The question rests here. Will we, or will we not be entirely the Lord's. "Whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely." Is this the work of six months or a year? O no. "Now (this day) is the day of salvation." I can but see it as the work of a moment, a simple volition and requiring no more time than other acts of the will, as for instance rising from our chair, leaving the room, &c. It is of course far more solemn and important, but it is still a simple act of the will. This done, we may rest without one doubt on God's promise to accept and cleanse us. God's promises don't admit of the shadow of a doubt. This we may trust in just as long as we submit all. Should any duty be presented at any time which we shrink from and neglect, we take so much from the altar; and there is now a want of entire consecration. There is here no refuge but in the blood of Jesus, and renewed perfect submission. Oh how simple is faith; far more so than feeling.

To return to myself. Bro. Ingraham at the Mackford conference asked me some questions which perplexed me, having had so many seasons of doubt before. One was, if I knew I was prepared for the coming of Christ. I could not say, Yes. I had not thought of it before, nor could I say I knew my heart was perfectly clean. There seemed to be something in the way so that I could not see and judge distinctly. Well after he left I began to think and talk some faith again. I asked a dear sister if I should believe my heart had never been cleansed. She told me no, but that I had never received the baptism of the Spirit. Bro. Ingraham started for home, and soon after while walking over to a neighboring brother's, suddenly my heart was shown me clean and pure. I clasped my hand upon it exclaiming, "I have got it!" I went into the house shouting "Glory to God! I know I have a clean heart; I wish I could see Bro. Ingraham again, I could tell him that I know I am prepared for the coming of Christ." It was knowledge to me, certain, absolute; but mark, I was just as much prepared previously; I had exercised no new faith, but simply obtained the evidence of sanctification, and God gave it without any effort on my part. During the day I was thinking of the blessing I had not yet received, the sensible outpouring of the Holy Ghost. I doubted not for one moment that I was made holy, that I was fitted to meet Jesus; but I was still strongly tempted to believe (so much so that it seemed a reality to me) that I should soon lose the blessing. I was soon to return home to enter upon home cares and duties, and more than all where the church were not living up to their high privilege (bless God for the work he has since done in Mauston), and I felt I could not live holy there; but I trusted in God who brought me out of the severity of the temptation. Still, ever since, at times the same thing comes up that though I am living now, I shall fall at some future test. But the word has set up a standard here: "Cast thy burden on the Lord and he shall sustain thee; he will never suffer the righteous to be moved." Precious promise. Oh how exceedingly great and precious God's promises are! The way into the kingdom is paved with them, so that we can stand on immovable foundation continually. There's not a situation in which we can be placed where some promise cannot be our support. If the enemy presses us seemingly beyond measure, we have the promise that we shall not be tempted above that we are able to bear.

Well the next morning at the family altar God gave me "the gift of the Holy Ghost." While praying and endeavoring to realize all the Lord was, and was to be to me in every way, I felt an influence resting down upon me seemingly different from the rest of the atmosphere; it completely surrounded me and went through my system. These sensations are more like a shock of electricity than anything else, yet not precisely like that. I write thus minutely that you may be enabled to distinguish between sanctification and the baptism of the Spirit. The former we can live every moment, the latter is an especial and occasional blessing. Dear brethren and sisters, I believe it to be a sample of the latter rain. Bless God it is beginning to sprinkle (if I may use the expression) in Wisconsin upon those who are firm in the third message and present truth. As a church we shall enjoy it. The Apostles were commanded to tarry in Jerusalem till they should be endowed with power from on high. There is power in it. It is an evidence directly from heaven that we please God, and it seems to connect us so intimately with him. Spiritualists, we are told, have the same, but it is not the same. I will tell you how we can distinguish between them. Satan has the power to transform himself into an angel of light, and give that light to others, but never into an angel of love. When we love God and experience such sensations while trusting in him we may rest assured they come from the Lord.

God will soon endow his church with power from on high; then the third message must go with a loud cry, a mighty influence; but it seems to me this will be the effect of the church's becoming holy. Why then do brethren and sisters

talk of rising with the message as though it were going to rise independent of them? God works through means. The message will rise with us as we become holy; and this must be an individual work. We have the truth brethren, but where is the power of our religion? this holy power that will give holy unction to the truths we believe? The power of the third message is perfection, holiness. It is a part of the message comprised in the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus. How large a portion of the Advent body could be recognized by the Searcher of hearts as belonging to this class? The third message it seems to me has got a work to do in gathering from our ranks a remnant, that is the church that shall be fitted to see Jesus, who shall be keeping the commandments of God (including the two great ones, perfect love to God and man) and the faith of Jesus. This body will come out of the lukewarm and compose those of whom it is said, Let him that is holy be holy still. God's remnant church is to be without fault before his throne; without spot or wrinkle or any such thing. Praise Jehovah his hand is gathering such a people. We are now as a church lukewarm. There's another state for us when we repent, get the tried gold, let eye-salve and white raiment, thus becoming holy.

But to return, the Apostles were sanctified before the day of pentecost. Said Jesus previous to his death, Now ye are clean through the word I have spoken unto you. We have got to be holy before we can receive the rain or baptism of the Spirit. The morning following the above named season, the power of God again rested down, and I nearly lost my strength as I have since quite often. There are varieties of operations, but the same Spirit. For awhile afterwards I seemed truly to have fallen in love with my Saviour and my heavenly Father. Such sweet tender love I never dreamed a person could enjoy. I wondered how I had always loved the Lord so little. I longed for the soon coming of Jesus. Oh I felt as though I could hardly wait, I so desired to be with those I now loved so much. Then came days of darkness; I could not tell why; for I had not been brought under condemnation. I would often retire alone with God and receive sweet evidences of his favor, but on leaving the throne of grace the darkness would surround me again. Thus I struggled on till I began to feel I never could live a holy life. Then came the promise that God would not suffer us to be tempted above what we are able to bear. Oh how sweet that promise was. I could see by an eye of faith, my way straight through into the kingdom. Sometimes it was almost filled up; but there was always a narrow opening through which I could struggle and find passage. This promise buoyed me up and Satan left me for a season.

I still feel to trust in God; and trusting him I am safe. I am learning daily how to live by faith. Oh it is good to live in the Lord. It is good to be free, for whom the Son maketh free is free indeed. It is sweet beyond expression to know that Jesus is formed and living within the hope of glory. There is glory in God that shines upon us as we go to him in simple faith, and as we commune with him feel our hearts burning within us while we realize that our prayers are accepted in heaven, and we have the things we ask for. It is good to know that above everything else our absorbing desire is to please God. All this is blessed beyond expression. We can feel, but cannot express the glory, the tenderness of perfect love. Could we feel this all the time where would be the place for trials? God has not laid the way in feeling, but in faith. We can progress steadily towards the kingdom, though it be under darkness and trials while trusting wholly in God. Could we never trust in him except through feeling, our course would be continually changing as our feelings changed; losing ground and then gaining a little. God has laid his plan just as easy as it could be laid; and he laid it for every one who is capable of understanding his law, since all such shall be judged by the law; and this is the way of escape from his penalty. Then every accountable creature is capable of understanding and accepting of the way of salvation. The trouble is, we overlook faith because it is so simple. Instead of simple reliance or trust or taking it for granted because God has promised, we try to realize it and call that faith which is feeling. High and low we all have to come to this one point and receive God's promises with the simplicity of a little confiding child. God addresses himself to us as intelligent beings and has laid his plan so that we can walk in it understandingly, certain knowledge, the knowledge of faith attending every step. It is just right. Our God does all things well. Glory forever be to his name for the wondrous plan of redemption! Yes my soul says to-night with the angels, "Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be unto our God forever and ever. Amen."

May the Lord hasten the time when the hearts of his people shall be one, and that one universal heart be a heart of faith and love. O pray for me that my faith fail not. I am weak and helpless. I feel that I am nothing. I have given all to the Lord, so that I have nothing left to myself, nothing to lift me up; and I desire nothing. God forbid that I should ever take anything to myself—anything but my precious Saviour. Sweet Jesus he is mine. It is enough. I believe here is the secret of true humility, and as long as we keep everything on the altar we can but be humble. It produces "self-annihilation." My heart is full. I cannot express the fullness that flows upon me. O praise God, I leave it all with him.

Dear brethren, dear sisters, shall this feeble testimony stand alone? We love the third message. It is glorious. Will you do what you can, trusting in God, to aid its progress. God help you to follow the dictation of his Spirit in all things. The Lord sometimes makes weak words powerful by the accompanying influence of his Spirit. God help us all to work out what he works in. Brethren and sisters, are any seeking this holy state? Speak out, that is encouragement. Continue to hunger and thirst. Such shall be filled. God bless his people and save us with eternal salvation from sin and corruption in immortality.

Mauston, Wis., June 30, 1860.