M. E. S by M. E. S.

Publishing Committee · Battle Creek, Mich. · Apr 23, 1861

M. E. S

By M. E. S.

From Sister Steward.

BRO. SMITH: I have hesitated some time about writing, partly because I wished to see Bro. and sister White that I might more clearly understand some things seen in Testimony No. 6 concerning me. (We all much regret their not coming.) I am thankful for that testimony. It has shown me myself more clearly, and because I do not clearly understand all, I do by no means reject it. I am trying to profit by it, and I believe God is making it profitable to me. How good God is to stoop to correcting my faults. I do desire to know them all and have light and strength sufficient to correct all. I long to love God supremely—to love as I think I did for a short time last spring. Then it would be easy serving him. Oh spiritual pride! how soon it crept into my heart! almost unawares. I believe at times last summer I got glimpses of it in myself. Oh that I had been zealous in humbling myself before the Lord then. Alas! alas! where has it led me! I know that I am naturally selfish, jealous, proud and fond of praise. I can see too that I have loved to have an influence over others that would lead them to think just as I did. (I was not conscious of this till a short time since. Sister White's vision has done much in opening my eyes on this point.) Oh how my heart aches and sinks with shame while I write, but I feel it my duty and a privilege to bear witness to the truth of that testimony for me. I feel too that my heart has opposed the visions; but I feel now more and more strengthened in the idea of their divine origin, and I find myself rejoicing to think that there is a gift in the church for their good, direct from God. It seems to me Sr. W.'s visions must be of God. I have been earnestly pleading for light on this point. Praise the Lord for what he has given me. But oh, the dark, dark past! I did have a zeal for others, but how sad to think all my efforts have been worse than lost, and I am but a stumbling block in the church of God, a grief to my brethren and sisters. Dear saints, forgive me this deep wrong. I long to be united with all God's dear people. I want a humble place with those who are keeping the commandments of God and faith of Jesus. I feel unworthy of the humblest place among God's children; but oh, I cannot be left to go with a wicked world to perdition. Let me go with you as a little child.

Dear brethren and sisters will you help me to become right? Gladly would I receive light from any one regarding myself or the works and will of God. Pray for me. Is this asking too much? I do earnestly long to be humble and completely emptied of self. My heart is still full, but I will stop. From your unworthy, repenting sister.

M. E. S

P. S. Since writing the above, No. 22 is received. I did think Bro. W. talked rather hard, but I am glad he has dealt thus plainly. I would know the worst of my case, without any softening, that my repentance may be deep and thorough. I am sorry I have added to the burdens of Bro. and sister White. Will they forgive me? May God help me to walk humbly and carefully in future.

M. E. S.