p. 12 | The Charm of Gentle Manners

Review and Herald Publishing Association · Takoma Park Station, Washington, D. C. · Aug 9, 1906

The Charm of Gentle Manners

By Mrs. Theodore W. Birney

The first requisite of good manners is self-forgetfulness. I have seen people whose social opportunities had been extremely limited appear to better advantage than those who had been accustomed to the usages of polite society all their lives, simply because they had no desire to outshine or impress other people, were good listeners, and observant enough not to commit a breach of manners.

Politeness in the home should be a matter of course, and equally a matter of course should be appreciation. A pleasant sense of obligation should pervade all the household. If Kate has taken a little of her allowance to purchase flowers for the dining-table or sitting-room, it is well for mama to say, before all the family: “Kate, your flowers are beautiful; it is very sweet of you to give all of us the benefit of some of your pin-money.” This will bring a glow of satisfaction to Kate’s heart, and will be suggestive to the other children.

I recently heard a party of six or seven women commenting on the lack of manners among children. It was the experience of all that their friendly salutations to the children of their acquaintance were either ignored entirely or received but scant recognition. One woman said: “I try to be charitable in my judgments of all children, but I must confess there are some who rather repel than attract me. Many appear so indifferent that my heart always goes out to two little girls whom I frequently meet, and who always give me a smile and bright greeting.”

It is usually a lack of training that makes children habitually negligent in this direction, though we must always bear with the shy, timid child, or the dreamy, absent-minded one, whose thoughts may be far away even while she looks at you.

The shy and self-conscious child is at a serious disadvantage, for he is often too timid to do the thing he knows is proper. Such a child should be frequently praised, and opportunities afforded him to express himself in play and word and action.

One mother secured immediate and happy results in several directions by losing no chance to praise judiciously the manners of those about her. For example, she said to the children:—“Whom do you think I met this morning? Little Thelma —, and what a dear little girl she is; she always gives me such a pleasant smile and bow, I really enjoy meeting her. I hope you always speak to mama’s friends as pleasantly as she does to me.” It is quite true that grown people are very often remiss in the matter of speaking to children. I once heard an old gentleman express enthusiastic admiration for a friend of mine, closing his remarks by saying, “Even when she was a little girl, she never passed me on the street without a pleasant bow.” When I told my friend of this, she laughed heartily, and said her reward had come after many years; she said her bows were received with such indifference that at first it required some courage to continue them. After a time, however, it became such a matter of course to her to bow pleasantly to him that she never stopped to consider his manner of response.

This is the great secret of the best manners. It is the being polite as a matter of course; nowhere does habit stand one in better stead.

Almost all affectation, save that which has its origin in a species of nervousness, arises from a desire to impress people in one way or another, and children should be carefully guarded against this demoralizing tendency. It is one thing to desire the approval and affection of those about us; it is quite another to assume various affected poses in an effort to obtain them.

When children are urged to be polite and thoughtful, the primary motive should be the simple one—because it is right; secondly, because it makes others happy and comfortable as well as themselves, and lastly, because only through the exercise of true courtesy can they win love and friendship.

Parents often do their children serious injustice by criticizing or speaking harshly of their relatives, neighbors, or acquaintances in their presence. Such conversation, though the child may comprehend little of it, prejudices his mind, and unconsciously affects his manner when he is thrown with the objects of his parents’ disapproval. Children can not discriminate, and are likely to confound criticism of trifling faults with serious condemnation.—Mrs. Theodore W. Birney, in Childhood.