HOW TO HELP THE PASTOR

Pacific Press Publishing Company · Oakland, California · Jan 22, 1894

FromSigns of the Times, Vol. 20, No. 12.

HOW TO HELP THE PASTOR.

“Thou hast been my help.” Ps. 27:9.

First, criticise him severely. Be careful not to tell him personally; just inform the neighbors; that will do as well; the news will come to him by and by, and he will be edified. He has prepared himself especially for his work, but you need not mind that; you can probably show him a thing or two.

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!”

Second, find fault with his wife. Oh, to be sure, she does not receive a salary, nor has she been “called” an assistant pastor; but then you can afford to be sublimely indifferent to the fact—that thought need not worry you in the least! Just “pitch in” and make things real lively for her.

“Blest be the tie that binds Our hearts in Christian love.”

Third, stay away from church. Whatever you do, do not forget this. Remember that your pastor likes to talk to empty benches (they might just as well be empty sometimes when they are full, so far as respectful attention is concerned). There is nothing so inspiring to a speaker as empty pews. The prayer meeting is a test of the spiritual strength of the church, and the pastor will be highly pleased to see the church on the down grade.

“Oh, I long to be there!”

Fourth, do not pray for him. He does not need your prayers; he has no temptations, and is strong enough in himself. Paul’s declaration, “When I am weak then am I strong,” does not apply in your pastor’s case; he does not need the help of the Lord. Be sure you do not pray for him; and then do not sympathize with him in his work of winning souls for the Master and fighting the devil. He does not need your sympathy. Give him an extra cuff or two, and it will be a wonderful help.

Fifth, confess your neighbors’ sins. Tell the pastor how far short of duty Brother A. has come, or how Sister C. has gone wrong. If you would only look after your own sins, you would be kept quite busy; but never mind a trifle like that; you will make your pastor happy if you do this.

Duty done is the soul’s fireside.

Sixth, deny your pastor’s requests. We read that Moses told the young lieutenant, Joshua, to go out and fight with Amalek, and “so Joshua did.” But he was an old fogy. If the pastor asks your help, be sure to refuse him. It will greatly encourage him to go forward.

Seventh, be sure to laugh or giggle. There is nothing so absolutely helpful as an idiotic smile during the most important or solemn part of the sermon. If you think of nothing else which will be of service, just let your eyes wander aimlessly around the audience, as if in search of a long-lost friend; it might be well to have your face lighted up with a vacant, imbecile stare. Oh, there are many ways to help!

Eighth, then look behind you. It is very important for you to see who it is that has come in just after the pastor’s “secondly,” whether Sister E.’s bonnet is the latest style, or who that young man is with Mehitable Green. It does not matter whether you give respectful attention to the sermon; the pastor is only talking for fun anyway, just for his own gratification.

Ninth, and lastly, be sure to get up in the middle of the sermon and leave the room. Make as much noise to attract attention as possible in going out; then slam the door after you.

Oh, we could think of many more ways, but if you will only observe the helps already given, you can be of some use in the world!—Kentucky Baptist.