SIX WAYS TO KILL PRAYER-MEETINGS.
By Editor
THERE are many persons who seem to desire to accomplish the object contemplated by this article; but who set about their work in such a bungling sort of way that we have thought they might be grateful for some definite and formulated instruction concerning the best means for accomplishing the end they have in view. We have, accordingly, drawn upon the experience and observation of several of our brethren whose opinion is entitled to respect; we have given the matter no little thought, and venture to lay down a few rules for the attainment of an object which would seem to be dear to a good many Christian hearts. 1. Be irregular in your attendance at the prayer-meeting. One might think that systematically "forsaking the assembling of yourselves together—as the manner of some is" would exert a more deleterious effect upon the prayer-meeting than to attend it semi-occasionally; but we are satisfied that this view is incorrect. If all the members of a church would tacitly agree to absent themselves habitually from the prayer-meeting, of course the meeting would soon die; but if only half of them adopt this course of action, the prayer-meeting will still live and may prosper. As it is not likely that all the members of a Christian church will acquiesce in the resolution wholly to forsake the social assemblies of God's people—as it is not likely that even a clear majority of them will do so—we reiterate our advice: Be irregular in your attendance. Come just often enough to make your semi-occasional absences a grief and burden to those who are always there. Lead them to expect you; and then disappoint them. It will have an exceedingly depressing effect. This effect can be intensified, during a season of increasing religious interest, by absenting yourself for three or four consecutive weeks. 2. Come late to prayer-meeting. This rule is not without exceptions. We have known excellent effects attained (in the direction of the object contemplated by this article) where persons of prominence in the church were systematically the first ones at the prayer-meeting, and took seats in about the middle of the house, so that three-fourths of those who came after them—taking seats behind the early comers—would be at least forty feet from the leader of the meeting. As a rule, however, come late if you want to kill the prayer-meeting. Come tramping in during the reading of the Scriptures, or the remarks made upon them, so that neither you, nor anybody else, will have any definite idea what direction the leader intended to give to the thought and feeling of God's people. The effect will be admirable. 3. Sit well back in the prayer-meeting, and as far apart as possible. There is something gained in sitting close together, so that you can whisper and giggle with your neighbors; but the best results are attained by sitting moodily apart. At any rate, SIT BACK. A household interested in any common object, cluster closely about a common center, and each borrows enthusiasm from personal contact with his friend and brother. Reverse all that in the Christian household, if you want to kill the prayer-meeting. 4. If you can sing, start some tune which no one but yourself ever heard. If you can't sing, the effect is all the better. The best time to start this tune is just when the leader is about to give out a hymn in which all could join, and which would appropriately voice the sentiment of the meeting. 5. If you speak or pray let it be: (1) At the utmost possible length. Twenty minutes is none too long. (2) On an entirely different theme from that which your brethren have been considering. (3) If possible at the very close of the meeting. Watch your chance—letting slip, of course, a great many chances which an ordinary mortal would choose—and pop up just as the leader is about to pronounce the benediction. The effect will be most happily deleterious—not merely on the meeting in which your efforts in this direction are crowned with success, but on subsequent meetings. 6. If possible, get up a controversy with the leader, or with some brother that has preceded you, when you speak or pray. Find fault with his exegesis. Carry his suggestions to ridiculous lengths which he never intended, and then expose the fallacy of them. Turn the prayer-meeting into a debating-society if you possibly can. This will tend to promote irregularity of attendance on the part of some who are inclined to be constant. If done in prayer, the effect is greater than if done in the course of remarks; and we have seen it very neatly done in prayer more than once. 7. We were at first inclined to announce as our seventh rule: Hurry out of the prayer-meeting without speaking to anybody—without shaking hands with man, woman, or child. This line of conduct has its influence, and may be occasionally indulged in—especially where the theme of the meeting has been "brotherly love," or the nature of the meeting tender and melting—with effect. But on the whole, our seventh rule shall be: Linger after the prayer-meeting; manifest a heartfelt interest in the welfare of Zion; BUT CRITICISE EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN SAID AND DONE. Find fault with the leader; make fun of this sister's grammar, that brother's tones and looks and gestures. If you hear anybody else doing this, make sure that the brother or sister criticised hears of it. By adopting this course, you can carry the work of killing the prayer-meeting out of the prayer-meeting, and scatter it through the week. P. S. Of course, if you don't want to kill the prayer-meeting you will take pains to violate the rules given above.—Examiner and Chronicle.